Funambulist/ecology

The more Pinky Pervsalot studied the ecology of the travelling freak show, the more her desire to become a funambulist crystallized, the more she realized she was but a flying trapeze artist destined to bang the fire-eating two-headed man.
-Gladys Potter

Furtherance / Rally

After a particularly harrowing LSD trip Nigel Diapers decided then and there, lying amongst a heap of cat litter sand castles that he had built and immediately crushed in his drug-fueled stupor, that the drugs were inhibiting him from furtherance. If he wanted to achieve his goal of becoming prime minister of Narnia he would need to rally, pick himself up by the boot straps, sew himself a new fur coat, and stick to doing Molly instead of LSD.

— Cindy Capleton

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furtherance [fur-th er-uh ns] noun 1. the act of furthering; promotion; advancement.

 rally (verb) \rah-LEE\  1 a : to bring or come together for a common purpose b : to bring back to order 2 : to rouse from low spirits or weakness 3 : to make a comeback

Brogue / Disposition

ASK CINDY

Dear Cindy,

I’ve been dating the love of my life, Carl, for 6 months now and we are completely smitten with each other. Recently though, Carl has taken on the strangest persona — he’s dressing only in green, speaks in a very offensive Irish brogue (even though he’s from San Diego and has an unforgivingly strong Southern California accent), will only order a drink he created called Guinney’s (a bottle of Guinness mixed with an entire bottle of Bailey’s), and has adapted a menacingly playful disposition (he plays practical jokes on strangers and immediately offers to grant them 3 wishes afterward). I love him with all of my heart but his new all-green wardrobe, insane accent, and slapstick attitude are starting to feel strange to me. Should I confront him myself? Stage an intervention? Pretend like this is all normal? Help!”

From, Green with Worry
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Dear Green with Worry,

Marry Carl immediately. He is obviously metamorphosing into a leprechaun and will soon have completely control over gold after the completion of his transformation. Do you know what the market value of gold per ounce is these days? Get yours, bitch!

Love, AskCindy  

–Cindy Capleton

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brogue¹ [brohg] noun 1. an Irish accent in the pronunciation of English. 2. any strong regional accent. disposition (noun) \diss-puh-ZISH-un\ 1 : the act or power of disposing : disposal 2 : arrangement 3 a : one’s usual attitude or mood b : a leaning toward a particular way of thinking or acting : tendency, inclination

Collywobbles / Pretend

While the idea of getting an accidental boner while presenting on fishery ecosystems at the United Nations Climate summit would give most men the collywobbles and cause them to pretend that their dancing peens were nothing but a trick of the pants pleats, Diapers remained unfazed at the thought — he was wearing a XXL diaper anyway, so it’s not like anyone would even see it!

— Cindy Capleton

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collywobbles [kol-ee-wob-uh lz] noun, ( used with a singular or plural verb) Informal. 1. intestinal cramps or other intestinal disturbances. 2. a feeling of fear, apprehension, or nervousness.
pretend (verb) \prih-TEND\  1 : to give the appearance of being, having, or doing2 : to make believe : act a part or ro

Momism / Geyser

An excerpt from Cindy Capleton’s dissertation for the completion of her doctorate, the topic of which was MILFs — The Cornerstones of Society:

“As demonstrated in the datum below, it has become clear that causation of MILFascination in the Western world (particularly in men of the upper class and upper-middle class) is due largely in part to the physical attachment established between mother and son, the basis of which is what we in the academic world refer to as ‘boob hypnosis,’ or process in which a MILF uses her boobs to hypnotize her son in order to establish control over him throughout his life. While most men are able to shake themselves free of this black magic, my research shows that men in certain socioeconomic systems have been unable to do so. Thanks to the overbearingly dominant mind control (also known as momism) used by MILFs, it is proven that these men have grown into irrevocable sissies who are afraid of anything from a harmless geyser to an innocuous butterfly. Evidence of the first victim of boob hypnosis goes back as early as Sophocles’ Oedipus, and if you would be so kind as to turn to page 69, we can explore this idea further. This chapter is entitled Oedipussy: The Emasculation of Greek Heroes by MILFs and Their Boobs. Again, this chapter starts on page 69.”

–Cindy Capleton

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momism [mom-iz-uh m] noun, ( sometimes initial capital letter) 1. excessive adulation of the mother and undue dependence on maternal care or protection, resulting in absence or loss of maturity and independence.

geyser (noun) \GYE-zer\ : a spring that now and then shoots out hot water and steam

Formication/brusque

She was young, into new medicines. He was a well-to-do great-grandfather from upstate. She liked to think of herself as bohemian, and he owned the Corporate Conference Convention Corp. She said their first meeting had been brusque (she felt smarter speaking in extra letters); he misremembered it as brusk. She saw his black AmEx card, and if he could see anymore he would have noticed her tattoo, “Sequins,” right above her left ass. She asked if he was into formication, whereupon the user places a bottle of Shaft-flavored Axe Body Spray above the lip and engages it into the empty area formerly occupied by his/her brain, otherwise known as “the Axe Effect,” or getting AE’d; he thought she said the word generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse between two people not married to each other. It was love at first sight.

– Det. Nick Denton

Here’s a tip for all you go-getting career-minded youngsters: do a hit of LSD before your next job interview. The formication feeling that you’ll think is real will make you jittery and alert (because a million bugs crawling over your body will make you both those things, it’s a guarantee), making the answers to your interviewer’s questions brusque and to the point. Your tone will not only terrify your potential employer, but will also get you hired out of pity!

— Cindy Capleton, career advisor

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formication [fawr-mi-key-shuh n] 1. a tactile hallucination involving the belief that something is crawling on the body or under the skin

brusque (adjective) \BRUSK\ : so short and frank in manner or speech as to be impolite

Chronometer/trapeze

It was a stark and wormy night, and Meghan had a serious case of the bed bugs. She checked her chonometer: 3:14am. Son of an itch. She knew coming to work at the Center For Web Development was a gamble, but she followed Todd, a spider who once promised her the world (but is now so wrapped up in his net worth that he stopped paying attention to her months ago). “The big city isn’t any place for a lady bug,” Meghan’s mom said. And maybe she was right. Still, there was no way she’d go back home to the hairy arms of her circuis-freak ex, Gary, a lazy Trapeze Moth.

–Det. Nick Denton

Chief Warrant Officer Neville Diapers (distant cousin of Nigel Diapers himself, lovable vagrant), stood at the helm of his ship, adjusting the glittering insignia shining on his chest. He stared into the choppy seas, fiddling at his chronometer, a gift he received from his beloved Helmsworth after graduating from the naval academy. Glancing down at the time, he shrieked, and called to his crew: “Increase speed by 69 knots! We’ve got two hours left to get these trapeze strippers to Moby Dick’s bachelor party!”

— Cindy Capleton

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chronometer [kruh-nom-i-ter] noun 1. a timepiece or timing device with a special mechanism for ensuring and adjusting its accuracy, for use in determining longitude at sea or for any purpose where very exact measurement of time is required. 2. any timepiece, especially a wristwatch, designed for the highest accuracy.

trapeze (noun) \tra-PEEZ\ : a gymnastic or acrobatic device consisting of a short horizontal bar hung from two parallel ropes

Eyesome / Oolong

At his favorite diner on 69th and Lexington (Sexington, as he liked to call it), Diapers sat in the corner at his favorite table, sipping oolong tea and nibbling gingerly from time to time at the half-masticated end of a 4 foot long turkey and pork foot sub (his favorite). In a notebook written in crayon, he had scribbled the first draft of a dating ad he was submitting to the Post, which he had opted for after a series of disastrous blind dates (there were just too many weirdos on Tinder):

Loveable vagrant seeks lifelong partner in crime.
ME:
-Well-educated (Attended Oxblood University)
-Handsome (Recently had eyebrows tattooed onto face)
-Wealthy (I’ve got $69,000 [confederate] in my bank account)
YOU:
-Between 69 and 109 years old
-Eyesome (10s or higher ONLY — no hair color preference)
-Talented in the kitchen (Cause that’s where you belong anyway)
Must love: iguanas, bathtub kimchi, LSD, and hand-crafted leather banana slings
LEFT-HANDED WOMEN NEED NOT APPLY

–Cindy Capleton

At approximately 0600, on March 5, 2015, I obtained the morning newspaper and encountered this Code 10-69 (an art review) on page D-4, and submit it for testimony below. – Det. Nick Denton.

No Buts About It: It’s Time To Revisit God’s Earliest Master-Piece (Of Ass)
“Derriere des Cieux,” by God: A solo work of sculpture, on view for the rest of my life, reviewed by Sir Teddy Negligee, Chief Art Critic at the New York Balloon Festival Weekly.

Ever since debuting his 1994 atrocity, the Justin Bieber, it seems as if God has feverishly begged the public for redemption. In work after work, His Holiness has created prayer-answers of wonderment and, I dare say, miracles. Yahweh’s 2003 musical, “Wicked” was fun and His Quvenzhané Wallis (2003) has yet to be topped – it was a good year for Him.

But I attest that the most eyesome work to ever come from The Almighty, aside from His six-day burst of creativity at the beginning of time, was The Creator’s “Derriere des Cieux” (1987).

A sculpture of two moon-shaped orbs, shaped from two perfectly ripened peaches, rest under the smooth back of a nearly immaculate torso – indeed it illuminates the night as if a lighthouse for the soul.

On my last visit, I must admit, I had to resist several urges to put my mouth upon the voluptuous cheeks, and fortunately spilled my steaming cup of oolong tea all over my face, which served as a deterrent from jumping onto the work and tapping it, hard.

If ever we have doubts about the hope for humanity, or existentially wonder what it is all for, we would be good to revisit this national treasure – the only good piece to come from the unfortunate era when He would only answer if addressed in the phonetic, /gäd/ – to truly understand the capabilities of Father Of The Known Universe And All That Is Holy, Amen.

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eyesome [ahy-suh m]. adjective, Archaic. 1. pleasant to look at.

oolong (noun) \OO-long\ : tea made from leaves that have undergone partial fermentation before being dried

Sastruga / Tawdry

With bated gait, he moved slowly down the rows, a bunch of hastily tied stalks of lavender clutched in his right hand. Is it here? he thought aloud, straining his eyes to find the marker among the masses of sastrugi: piled high, their looming, leering shadows swayed in the lamplight.  He was disappointed that the groundskeepers hadn’t cleared up these monolithic piles of snow, but he couldn’t blame them — it was New Year’s Eve after all. He could hear the cracks and booms of fireworks exploding all the way on the East, and felt momentarily envious that everywhere across the city, women in tawdry sequined dresses were clutching glasses of champagne and huddling closely together in large circles while their escorts — men in their leather work loafers and novelty paper hats with 2015s dashed across them in glittering metallics — barked drunken jokes at each other. Shaking his head, he ambled along, turning left at the obelisk, reciting the names he’d memorized of people he would never meet. Fitzgerald, Clark, Hernandez, Miller: surname after surname he shuffled on until finally, he stopped. There — immortalized in bronze and marble, her name shined dully at his feet in the faint, tarnished glow of the city lights. I found you he said, dropping the lavender. I found you. 

— Cindy Capleton

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sastruga [sas-truh-guh, sah-struh-, sa-stroo-, sah-] noun, plural sastrugi. 1.Usually, sastrugi. ridges of snow formed on a snowfield by the action of the wind

tawdry (adjective) \TAW-dree\ : cheap and showy

Switcheroo / Threadbare

Despite his ornate collection of pastel velvet tailcoats and his fancy-free, lackadaisical disposition, Willy Wonka was not the lovable misfit the world thought him to be. Wonka, unbeknownst to the public, was actually a creepy, ghoulish weirdo who liked to spend his free time shuffling around his factory in a threadbare monk’s robe and viking helmet while taking inventory and doing Cray-Pas sketches of his merkin collection (which numbered in the thousands, apparently). So dastardly was Wonka that he once pulled a dramatic switcheroo on a group of poor, unsuspecting tourists who had bought tickets for a tour of his factory but were instead taken on what the fiend liked to call “Willy Wonka’s House of Horrors: Merkinmania.”

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switcheroo [swich-uh-roo, swich-uh-roo] noun, plural switcheroos. Slang 1. an unexpected or sudden change or reversal in attitude, character, position, action, etc.

threadbare (adjective) \THRED-bair\ 1 : worn so much that the thread shows : shabby 2 : barely adequate 3 : having lost freshness and interest from overuse