I’ve been dating the love of my life, Carl, for 6 months now and we are completely smitten with each other. Recently though, Carl has taken on the strangest persona — he’s dressing only in green, speaks in a very offensive Irish brogue (even though he’s from San Diego and has an unforgivingly strong Southern California accent), will only order a drink he created called Guinney’s (a bottle of Guinness mixed with an entire bottle of Bailey’s), and has adapted a menacingly playful disposition (he plays practical jokes on strangers and immediately offers to grant them 3 wishes afterward). I love him with all of my heart but his new all-green wardrobe, insane accent, and slapstick attitude are starting to feel strange to me. Should I confront him myself? Stage an intervention? Pretend like this is all normal? Help!”
From, Green with Worry
Dear Green with Worry,
Marry Carl immediately. He is obviously metamorphosing into a leprechaun and will soon have completely control over gold after the completion of his transformation. Do you know what the market value of gold per ounce is these days? Get yours, bitch!
brogue1 [brohg] noun 1. an Irish accent in the pronunciation of English. 2. any strong regional accent. disposition (noun) \diss-puh-ZISH-un\ 1 : the act or power of disposing : disposal 2 : arrangement 3 a : one’s usual attitude or mood b : a leaning toward a particular way of thinking or acting : tendency, inclination