At his favorite diner on 69th and Lexington (Sexington, as he liked to call it), Diapers sat in the corner at his favorite table, sipping oolong tea and nibbling gingerly from time to time at the half-masticated end of a 4 foot long turkey and pork foot sub (his favorite). In a notebook written in crayon, he had scribbled the first draft of a dating ad he was submitting to the Post, which he had opted for after a series of disastrous blind dates (there were just too many weirdos on Tinder):
Loveable vagrant seeks lifelong partner in crime.
-Well-educated (Attended Oxblood University)
-Handsome (Recently had eyebrows tattooed onto face)
-Wealthy (I’ve got $69,000 [confederate] in my bank account)
-Between 69 and 109 years old
-Eyesome (10s or higher ONLY — no hair color preference)
-Talented in the kitchen (Cause that’s where you belong anyway)
Must love: iguanas, bathtub kimchi, LSD, and hand-crafted leather banana slings
LEFT-HANDED WOMEN NEED NOT APPLY
At approximately 0600, on March 5, 2015, I obtained the morning newspaper and encountered this Code 10-69 (an art review) on page D-4, and submit it for testimony below. – Det. Nick Denton.
No Buts About It: It’s Time To Revisit God’s Earliest Master-Piece (Of Ass)
“Derriere des Cieux,” by God: A solo work of sculpture, on view for the rest of my life, reviewed by Sir Teddy Negligee, Chief Art Critic at the New York Balloon Festival Weekly.
Ever since debuting his 1994 atrocity, the Justin Bieber, it seems as if God has feverishly begged the public for redemption. In work after work, His Holiness has created prayer-answers of wonderment and, I dare say, miracles. Yahweh’s 2003 musical, “Wicked” was fun and His Quvenzhané Wallis (2003) has yet to be topped – it was a good year for Him.
But I attest that the most eyesome work to ever come from The Almighty, aside from His six-day burst of creativity at the beginning of time, was The Creator’s “Derriere des Cieux” (1987).
A sculpture of two moon-shaped orbs, shaped from two perfectly ripened peaches, rest under the smooth back of a nearly immaculate torso – indeed it illuminates the night as if a lighthouse for the soul.
On my last visit, I must admit, I had to resist several urges to put my mouth upon the voluptuous cheeks, and fortunately spilled my steaming cup of oolong tea all over my face, which served as a deterrent from jumping onto the work and tapping it, hard.
If ever we have doubts about the hope for humanity, or existentially wonder what it is all for, we would be good to revisit this national treasure – the only good piece to come from the unfortunate era when He would only answer if addressed in the phonetic, /gäd/ – to truly understand the capabilities of Father Of The Known Universe And All That Is Holy, Amen.
eyesome [ahy-suh m]. adjective, Archaic. 1. pleasant to look at.
oolong (noun) \OO-long\ : tea made from leaves that have undergone partial fermentation before being dried