Eyesome / Oolong

9470631897_cf20590ce6_zAt his favorite diner on 69th and Lexington (Sexington, as he liked to call it), Diapers sat in the corner at his favorite table, sipping oolong tea and nibbling gingerly from time to time at the half-masticated end of a 4 foot long turkey and pork foot sub (his favorite). In a notebook written in crayon, he had scribbled the first draft of a dating ad he was submitting to the Post, which he had opted for after a series of disastrous blind dates (there were just too many weirdos on Tinder):


Loveable vagrant seeks lifelong partner in crime.

ME:
-Well-educated (Attended Oxblood University)
-Handsome (Recently had eyebrows tattooed onto face)
-Wealthy (I’ve got $69,000 [confederate] in my bank account)
YOU:
-Between 69 and 109 years old
-Eyesome (10s or higher ONLY — no hair color preference)
-Talented in the kitchen (Cause that’s where you belong anyway)
Must love: iguanas, bathtub kimchi, LSD, and hand-crafted leather banana slings
LEFT-HANDED WOMEN NEED NOT APPLY

–Cindy Capleton

At approximately 0600, on March 5, 2015, I obtained the morning newspaper and encountered this Code 10-69 (an art review) on page D-4, and submit it for testimony below. – Det. Nick Denton.

No Buts About It: It’s Time To Revisit God’s Earliest Master-Piece (Of Ass)
“Derriere des Cieux,” by God: A solo work of sculpture, on view for the rest of my life, reviewed by Sir Teddy Negligee, Chief Art Critic at the New York Balloon Festival Weekly.

Ever since debuting his 1994 atrocity, the Justin Bieber, it seems as if God has feverishly begged the public for redemption. In work after work, His Holiness has created prayer-answers of wonderment and, I dare say, miracles. Yahweh’s 2003 musical, “Wicked” was fun and His Quvenzhané Wallis (2003) has yet to be topped – it was a good year for Him.

But I attest that the most eyesome work to ever come from The Almighty, aside from His six-day burst of creativity at the beginning of time, was The Creator’s “Derriere des Cieux” (1987).

A sculpture of two moon-shaped orbs, shaped from two perfectly ripened peaches, rest under the smooth back of a nearly immaculate torso – indeed it illuminates the night as if a lighthouse for the soul.

On my last visit, I must admit, I had to resist several urges to put my mouth upon the voluptuous cheeks, and fortunately spilled my steaming cup of oolong tea all over my face, which served as a deterrent from jumping onto the work and tapping it, hard.

If ever we have doubts about the hope for humanity, or existentially wonder what it is all for, we would be good to revisit this national treasure – the only good piece to come from the unfortunate era when He would only answer if addressed in the phonetic, /gäd/ – to truly understand the capabilities of Father Of The Known Universe And All That Is Holy, Amen.


eyesome [ahy-suh m]. adjective, Archaic. 1. pleasant to look at.

oolong (noun) \OO-long\ : tea made from leaves that have undergone partial fermentation before being dried

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Sastruga / Tawdry

lavender_bunchWith bated gait, he moved slowly down the rows, a bunch of hastily tied stalks of lavender clutched in his right hand. Is it here? he thought aloud, straining his eyes to find the marker among the masses of sastrugi: piled high, their looming, leering shadows swayed in the lamplight.  He was disappointed that the groundskeepers hadn’t cleared up these monolithic piles of snow, but he couldn’t blame them — it was New Year’s Eve after all. He could hear the cracks and booms of fireworks exploding all the way on the East, and felt momentarily envious that everywhere across the city, women in tawdry sequined dresses were clutching glasses of champagne and huddling closely together in large circles while their escorts — men in their leather work loafers and novelty paper hats with 2015s dashed across them in glittering metallics — barked drunken jokes at each other. Shaking his head, he ambled along, turning left at the obelisk, reciting the names he’d memorized of people he would never meet. Fitzgerald, Clark, Hernandez, Miller: surname after surname he shuffled on until finally, he stopped. There — immortalized in bronze and marble, her name shined dully at his feet in the faint, tarnished glow of the city lights. I found you he said, dropping the lavender. I found you. 

— Cindy Capleton


sastruga [sas-truh-guh, sah-struh-, sa-stroo-, sah-] noun, plural sastrugi. 1.Usually, sastrugi. ridges of snow formed on a snowfield by the action of the wind

tawdry (adjective) \TAW-dree\ : cheap and showy

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Switcheroo / Threadbare

picture-6Despite his ornate collection of pastel velvet tailcoats and his fancy-free, lackadaisical disposition, Willy Wonka was not the lovable misfit the world thought him to be. Wonka, unbeknownst to the public, was actually a creepy, ghoulish weirdo who liked to spend his free time shuffling around his factory in a threadbare monk’s robe and viking helmet while taking inventory and doing Cray-Pas sketches of his merkin collection (which numbered in the thousands, apparently). So dastardly was Wonka that he once pulled a dramatic switcheroo on a group of poor, unsuspecting tourists who had bought tickets for a tour of his factory but were instead taken on what the fiend liked to call “Willy Wonka’s House of Horrors: Merkinmania.”


switcheroo [swich-uh-roo, swich-uh-roo] noun, plural switcheroos. Slang 1. an unexpected or sudden change or reversal in attitude, character, position, action, etc.

threadbare (adjective) \THRED-bair\ 1 : worn so much that the thread shows : shabby 2 : barely adequate 3 : having lost freshness and interest from overuse
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Butyraceous / paparazzo

The following is an excerpt from “The Strange Case of Dr. Pepper & Mr. Pibb,” a new thriller by Det. Nick Denton, republished here with permission from Caffeine Free Diet Coke™.

It was 9 o’clock at night and the first fog of the season, and Dr. Mylton Pepper was dead. I’d gone for a walk to reminisce on the hilarious times we shared together (like that one time he ate an entire bag of other bags), but was interrupted by the sight of a shadowy figure with the posture of a question mark. I’d seen him before — maybe it was at Wayne Reed Drugs, or the G Spot (a Godless place where my ex-wife bought all the toys she would eventually run away to Bermuda with, may she go to Hell). Anyway, the man danced as if one foot was stuck in a bear trap while the other gracefully completed what the U.S. Figure Skating Association calls the Biellmann position. I’ll cut to the chase. A paparazzo jumped from the bushes to photog the whole thing, and the flash made everything clear: not only was Dr. Pepper still alive (!), but the excitement had turned Pepper’s usual butyraceous face into the disfigured, raging mug of his monstrous alter ego: Mr. Pibb — To Be Continued.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Ad hockery / Pell-mell

It was 1982, and the sun was at that time when it’s purple and everything’s nostalgic, you know what I mean. Anyway, this is about Steve and Barbra — lovers of another era. Steve didn’t talk much, and besides, Barb was mute. But they didn’t need words: they talked with their hips. Steve would put his hand upon her hip, and then he would dip, she’d dip, they’d dip (that meant that he either wanted to go to the movies or was choking, depending on the inflection). Barb would raise her right hip and touch her left elbow, and Steve knew what that meant: either, “My life has become a pell-mell pile of ad hockery since you came along, you son of a bitch,” or she was DTF, depending on the inflection. Anyway, 69 months later they had me, and I typed this whole thing with my boobs.

–Det. Nick Denton

Screen Shot 2015-02-27 at 5.31.50 PMAn excerpt from the dream diary of N. Diapers:

January 2, 1983

Dear Diary,

Tonight I dreamed that I was at Winkles, the first ever interpretive dance strip club in the county. I got some nose flour from a monkey wearing a shower cap and then ran headfirst into a glass window — everyone was running around pell-mell and I was just sitting there laughing and picking glass out of my forehead while a lady who was half lady, half dragon balanced on my balls and laughed along with me. Then she flew away and I felt guilty about the window and made a crockpot ad hockery attempt to fix it by gluing the large pieces back together with what I thought was a gluestick (it was my lip balm), but the glass kept turning into wheels of cheese. The dragon lady flew back into the room and whispered, “run, Diapers,” in my ear and then my feet turned into walrus flippers. I woke up with the words BUTT BUTTLER scribbled on my arm in red ink. What does it all mean, diary? A glimpse into the future, perhaps? 

I love you,

Diapers

–Cindy Capleton


ad hockery [ad hok-uh-ree]  noun 1.reliance on temporary solutions rather than on consistent, long-term plans.

pell-mell (adverb) \PEHL-MEHL\ 1 : in confusion or disorder 2 : in great haste

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Inutile / Retrospect

avlloomrftsIn retrospect, Francis realized that she should have never hired former NBA star and noted friend of Kim Jong-un, Dennis Rodman, as chief of yarn at her increasingly prominent woven goods startup, Dream Weavers. Not only did Rodman have a terrible attitude toward arts and crafts, his loom dexterity was shit, rendering him completely inutile to the company — and to the world of weaving in general.

–Cindy Capleton

Sure, without Viagra, their below-the-belts were essentially inutile. But Edgar, Martin and Bruce, the last surviving members of the most popular Coldplay cover band to ever hail from the Eternal Sunshine Senior Center, could literally get any old broad they chose, sometimes without asking (Regis left Oldplay last year when he died).

Always easygoing, the gang was fine as feathers to be on the lineup at Wrinklearia’s Retrospective Fest this year, but they sure as hell wouldn’t follow their arch nemesis: Huey Lewis & The News.

–Det. Nick Denton


inutile [in-yoo-til] adjective 1. of no use or service.
retrospect (noun) \REH-truh-spekt\ : a looking back on things past : a thinking of past events

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Pickwickian / Convoke

COWABUNGAThudd, the office asshole, decided to send out a memo (in Wingdings, of all fonts) to convoke his poor colleagues for a 6am meeting so he could conduct his synergy and marketing presentation (entitled Syner-G Unit: How Hip Hop Could Maybe Revolutionize Corporate Branding) as the sun began to rise (Thudd fancied himself a vampire). Using a mix of pickwickian slang and outdated pop culture diction, Thudd’s colleagues were both mystified and teeming with rage as he closed the presentation by throwing a handful of miniature Kit Kats at them and screaming, “When in Rome, cowabunga as the bungas do!”


Pickwickian \  pik-WIK-ee-uhn \  , adjective;
1.  (of words or ideas) meant or understood in a sense different from the apparent or usual one.

2. (of the use or interpretation of an expression) intentionally or unintentionally odd or unusual.

3. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of Mr. Pickwick, central character of The Pickwick Papers 

convoke (verb) \kun-VOHK\ : to call together to a meeting

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment