Here’s an interesting fact about Thursday. After Lionel, the first chair trumpet and reigning orchestra pundit, gave his weekly update on the latest spit valve techniques, and Eloise had licked her reed the way Toby on xylophone can’t even handle, after all the flautists had eaten their flautas (it was Mexican day at the cafeteria, and there was a lot of beans, if you know what I mean), and Pedro had fallen asleep under his tuba (again), all 69 members in the high school band realized the same thing at the same time: When the conductor stepped up to the podium, it still wasn’t Maude Flav (estranged seventh wife to hip-hop songwriter Flavor Flav), who hasn’t been seen in months. No. After exactly three years and six-point-nine minutes, one thing wasn’t clear at all because nobody recognized him under his anxiety beard and trash-bag-hat: Nigel Diapers had returned to Buttsville, and he was going to demassify it.

–Det. Nick Denton

Leather_bound_booksThe library of Dr. Will Gye (known by his fans as “Will Gye, the Scientific Man”) contains  countless leather bound books, a slew of academic accolades and diplomas, and a surprising number of feather quills. At first glance, one would assume Will Gye to be nothing more than your average geology pundit, adjunct professor, and television host. However, if one looked more closely at Gye’s possessions to see how demassified his interests really were: the diamond-encrusted collection of rare Ne’er You Minds from the turns of the century hidden behind the severed monkey’s foot says it all.

–Cindy Capleton

demassify [dee-mas-uh-fahy]. Verb (used with object), demassified, demassifying. 1. to cause (society or a social system) to become less uniform or centralized; diversify or decentralize: to demassify the federal government. 2. to break (something standardized or homogeneous) into elements that appeal to individual tastes or special interests: to demassify the magazine industry into special-interest periodicals.
pundit (noun) \PUN-dit\ 1 : a learned man : teacher 2 : a person who gives opinions in an authoritative manner usually through the mass media : critic

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