There is a magical qualia about Lady Schwartz that cannot be captured entirely with the right diction, but on a celebratory day such as this, I will try to find the right words. Lady Schwartz stands out amongst the millions–so distinct in character, grace, looks, intelligence, and poise is she that she makes all of her counterparts look like banana-sausage hybrids in dresses. Happy Birthday, Lady Schwartz! May you twerk it all this day through, and for hundreds of years to come!
She maintains perfect diction after 7 or 8 screwdrivers; she shows no signs of weakness in the face of her demanding customers; she wins battles of wit with her most formidable adversaries; her inner qualia of stoicism, grace, and wisdom resonate with all those who cross her humble path. May the Schwartz be with us all, on this special Birth Anniversary and for all the rest of our days.