Today as we celebrate the birth of the Secret Touchings’ family’s dear bosom friend, Queen J.Sorelz, we declare that she be given free petroleum and chocolate chips for the next five years; that her husband, King Severson be granted a lifetime supply of golden guitar strings; and that their son, Prince Ollie be presented with a thousand boxes of chocolate Cheerios. Aside from showering her with life’s necessities, we use this day to reflect upon her beauty, kind nature, sharp intellect and baking skills…to use a sumpsimus term: she is a one hell of a god damn woman.

–Cindy Capleton

Having grown tired of being such a sumpsimus all the time, Sprigwart decided to throw caution to the wind, grease his buns with petroleum jelly and slide down the handicapped ramp to exit his office after making an impeccable speech to the board of directors.
-Gladys Potter

Jen Sorel, our sumpsimus queen, insisted we only use the word petroleum to refer to the oily, flammable liquid out of which fuel oils are rendered, instead of using it as a code word to refer to one’s semen. Happy birthday Jen!!!
–Lady Schwartz

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