Phil lay back on his hammock with the nice tall glass of ‘shut the hell up’ that Steve had given to him and thought: briefly of larrupping his asshole roommate. Then he thought better of it and instead published a blurb in the local paper that listed all of Steve’s faults, beginning with his annoying tendency to answer the telephone in a high-pitched woman’s voice.
After Cranston read the author’s blurb he asked me to write for him, he found retaliation by giving me the larrup of a lifetime; I thought the description was sweet, but Cranston thought otherwise:
Cranston Scruggsworth is the flamboyant head writer of Magical Memes, the New York Times bestseller SexBar: How to Do a Pull-up When You’re Wasted, and the world renowned History of Diapers: The Man, The Myth, The Clown. Cranston enjoys reading, witchcraft, eating popsicles in a sexual manner, and starting trashcan fires. He lives in New York City.
Pippy, larrupping his desk repeatedly, shouted at the top of his lungs, “I swear to goodness if I have to write one more effin blurb about anal beads, tubes o’ lubes, boob holsters, or the like, I’m gonna poop on all your keyboards!!!!!” which was just as good as a formal resignation from the Sexual Deviants R Us catalog copy writing position he had taken ten years ago today.