One can always rely on Lord Schwartz (husband and consort of the honorable Lady) to bring the party; even in the harshest of weather in the most boozeless of times, Lord and Lady Schwartz’s party guests never have anything to grouse about, except the occasional newcomer who isn’t used to seeing a grown man (Nigel Diapers) mix cocktails with toilet water.
Lord Schwartz has been known to grouse about unimportant minutiae but Lady S. knows she can always rely on him to lighten the air when times really do get tough – like when Mr. Diapers refused to sleep in the bed the Schwartz’s had made up for him and instead went night-night standing up naked in the linen closet.
“The only thing you can rely on from that old grouse is that if his ass has an itch, everyone he meets will hear about it as if the itch were a comet and his ass were the earth,” said Lady Schwartz, thinking she and her wig-fitter were alone. But Lord Schwartz heard the whole thing from the hallway, bringing a tear of absolute hurt to his eye.