Perhaps the most frustrating trait in Elias was his nyctophobia; he was paralyzed by an irrational sense that in even the littlest bit of darkness lied insidious demons, paused to attack, we went through light bulbs like toilet paper, he was never without his trusty flashlight, attached by a bungee cord to his wrist, until that fateful day when in an ironic twist he ended up blind, finding himself in forever darkness he ended his torture by drinking a bottle of bleach.
-run on smalls
Going against all odds, I battled my nyctophobia and arose at 6am today, while the world was still sleeping in a snowy darkness. Half-dressed in a half-assed Cleopatra costume, I battled the elements to Westchester, where the Fates’ insidious plan to ruin my day unfolded–my bus left 6 minutes before it was scheduled to, I was locked out of my first class, and a well-costumed hobo threw a bag of teeth at me. Happy fucking Halloween!
His nyctophobia was insiduous: as a child, it only kept him from slumber parties and Ghosts in the Graveyard marathons. However, as an adult, when this crippling fear kept Mr. Diapers shut away in his bedroom while his peers were out at swinger orgies and wine tastings, his resultant solitude forced him into a life of PCP abuse and despair.
Mr. Diapers’ nyctophobia was slow to form but insidious in its reach, and so he was forced to live between Antarctica and the North Pole in order to avoid the total darkness of night. Happily, as Mr. Diapers matured he grew out of this bizarre fear and the only result was an imperviousness to cold weather – which is why you are likely to run into him wearing only his trademark diaper even in the dead of winter.