As Vampire Eric Northman strolled through the runic mountainside of his homeland in Sweden, he came face-to-face with a mélange of epic proportions that clashed magnificently with the serenity of the snowy landscape–a trombone player spitting snowballs out of his trombone, a geisha serving traditional matcha in Amano Masao ceramic mugs, and a large black and white cat wearing a golden medallion, a Napoleon hat, and a sash that read, “Chairman.”
It was midnight in Northern Europe. Everyone gathered around the crackling fire that cast the nearby runic monuments in a haunting glow. I stole furtive glances at the melange of participants – Jerry, his jumbo weiner that has won him the Dick Joust gold medal five times, Sylvia, her 45-MMM bazongas having served as buoys for all water events for the last eight competitions, and Peter, his special talent rumored to be taint-related but as of yet unknown – until, that is, tomorrow when we got naked for the opening ceremony of the Special Genital Olympics.
“Ah, yes. Brilliant. The juxtaposition of the runic green lines against the textured sheen of the plastic the artist chose as the canvas evokes within me a melange of emotions,” said Madison Odetta VanBuren as she wrote me a $12,000 check for a “work of art” that –unbeknowst to her– was inadvertently created by Sprinkle’s butt when he escaped from his hamster ball while I was painting the bathroom.