The man, the myth, the legend: Sir Pumpkin Longshanks has since birth transcended beyond all expectations. While most children prefer to be dandled, Sir Pumpkin Longshanks refused to be treated as an ignorant child and demanded the respect that he deserved (and still does). At the young age of 8, Sir Pumpkin Longshanks, known only then as Pumpkin, effloresced into a political powerhouse, defending his little sister with adult articulation (aghast the she was not allowed to go swimming after eating a hasty meal of hamburgers, he stated that she as an American had the right to go swimming in the pool), and whose talents also lingered in gymnastics, speech and debate, dance, and theatre. Sir Pumpkin Longshanks uses his dashing charisma and wit to be a voice for the voiceless, a guide to the guideless, and a leader of our time.
Miranda was aghast to learn that the diaper/baby fetish she shared with her husband, Mort, was a mere put on. Mort’s true fetish, that of being treated not as a baby but as a tween, had been suppressed this entire time. She would no longer dandle him, change his di-di or pick his binky up from off the floor as a precursor to their mind-blowing intercourse. No, no more of that. Now foreplay would consist of her sitting there while he slammed the door, listened to rock music too loud and act like a general asshole.
I turned to the fire to roast the first round of s’mores, but instead became paralyzed, capable only of standing aghast at the sight I saw before me: Lady Schwartz, who had forgotten her glasses on this last-minute camping trip, dandling and singing to a 13-pound skunk she mistook for my darling cat Cletus Etwell.